In Which Introductions and Decisions are Made Part 6

"They have a lease, which you signed, that states that you and only you must give them notice and then they have 30 days to vacate the premises," Squig interrupted leaning against the guard rail.  "So legally, there was nothing we could do.  I'm just glad that only two of the girls decided to stay."

"Actually you only have one that's a problem," Harlan continued, finding his nerve and placing his had back on his head. "It's that Diane Tailer you have to worry about."  

He stopped abruptly, noticing the look on Trixie's face. "So," he said looping his claws through his belt and rocking back and forth on his heals. "word of her nasty mouth and skanky ways has spread across this country to the east coast. I'm not surprised, not surprised at all to hear that she's notorious."

"What are skanky ways, dad?" Annie asked pulling on his shirt to get her attention.

"Ways that aren't very nice," he responded distractedly.  He had forgotten all about that damn lease.  Now he personally was going to have to go over there and evict them. This boondoggle could not be conveniently shuffled off to Sqigman, like he'd hoped.

"Dad do I have skanky ways?" Annie asked pulling on his shirt again.

"No," Dweezil and Squig said in unison.

"Does Uncle Squig have skanky ways?" she asked impishly.

"Watch it Dweeze. Think very carefully before you answer that." Squig said softly narrowing his eyes.

"Why no Annabelle," Dweezil answered benignly, "your uncle has many curious ways, but I wouldn't say skanky was one of them."

"Well then who's got skanky ways," she sang out, hopping around swinging her arms in time to her song. "Do youse and youse and youse got skanky ways. "

"Annabelle that will be enough."

"Grandmom," Annie said swiveling around to face her.  This is so cool.  "Diane Tailer has skanky ways, but there's no fornication going on in dad's building.  Cousin Harlan who's removed crawled up the side of the building like a bat and peaked in all the windows, so he knows.

What does fornication mean and how could cousin Harlan who's removed do that?  Does he have sticky stuff on his paws? Do you think he could teach me how to do that even though I don't have sticky stuff on my paws.  Could we go buy some sticky stuff, so I could go building crawling with him. I'm so glad we came here.  This is so exciting."

TO BE CONTINUED

In Which Introductions as well as Decisions Are Made Part 5

Dweezil sauntered over to them with his unique blend of sophistication and nonchalance.  Stopping he eyed Squig and Harlan with a gimlet eye and then staring straight at them said, "My my, if it isn't the Lone Ranger and the ever present sidekick, his Holiness the Pope.  What brings you to this backwater little place, your Holiness?"

"I, I, I'm not the Pope," Harlan sputtered. "I'm Harlan Katz, Deputy Sheriff."

Squig smiled delightedly as Dweezil hearing the name Katz, narrowed his eyes.  This was going to be wonderful.

"Did I hear you say your name was Katz," he hissed, leaning forward with an air of menace, Harlan couldn't help but notice.

"Yes, you did, Dweeze, and I call you Dweeze," Harlan chirped happily, not understanding who he was dealing with.

"No," Dweezil said flatly, "You may not."

"Well on behalf of the entire Katz family, I want to apologize for the sneaky ways of my Aunt Suzette." he continued wrapping a conciliatory paw around Dweezil.

A conciliatory paw that was immediately shrugged off in no uncertain terms.

"I can't thank you enough for closing down that blot on the entire community, Dweeze."  He plowed on.  "Me and the boss are trying hard to clean up this here place and we couldn't have done it without you buying that cesspit and turning it into something we can all be proud of.  Why I wouldn't be surprised if the town didn't name a street or a boulevard after you. Can't you just see it," he stepped away and waved his paw expansively, "Felinerino Street the garden spot of the entire state."

This was not going as planned.  Dweezil was looking at Harlan like he was some kind of  biblical prophet and not  the dumb-ass, annoying big mouth he actually was.  

"So, Dweezil said, wrapping his paw around Harlan like they were dear best friends, "I take it you and Squigman have cleaned the house of its resident pests?"

"Well not entirely, Dweeze,"  Harlan stammered as it began to dawn on him that things might not be going so well.

"Not entirely?" Dweezil asked innocently as his eyes narrowed and his ears went back and he shoved Harlan away "There are miscreants still living in my building?"

"Just tttwo of them." Harlan stammered.  He was now wringing his hat in his paws as he tried frantically to think of a way out.

"Just two, hmm." Dweezil responded stepping closer.

"But they're not fornicating." Harlan responded in a rush. "I've been staking out the building and I can promise you there's no fornication going on inside."

"You saw this with your radarlike eyes, did you? Or what is more likely given your puce coloration, is that you, on some moonless night, decided to crawl up the side of the building like a bat and peek in the windows?"

"No sir, Mr. Felinerino I didn't do nothin like that."

"Well then why don't you enlighten me and tell me all about it.  I can hardly wait to hear how you can stand there and assure me there's no fornication happening in my building?

"It's like this, " Harlan began.

TO BE CONTINUED


 

In Which Introductions and Decisions are Made Part 4

Squig turned and looked directly into Trixie's eyes.  She had changed.  It was slight, but she had changed. There was a new softness about her.   And the only word for how she looked in her cream linen trousers and white silk blouse was elegant.  He felt momentarily awkward and at a loss for words. 

Blushing slightly, he wrapped his paws around her and gathered her close. Sighing, she melted into him and whispered, "I have missed you so much."

"Me, too," he answered, "I am so damn glad you're here." He was about to kiss her when the harrumphing and throat clearing started up again.

"Miss Pixie," Harlan started, pushing Squig aside and  pumping her paw.

"Her name is Trixie," Squig hissed. "How many times do I have to tell you, her name is Trixie, not Pixie."

"Well now Miss Trixie," he started over. "If you ain't the prettiest thing I've seen all year.  That photo the Boss has on his desk just don't do you justice.  Look at you.  All I can say, is that old Sheriff Squigman better keep his eye on you, cause once the cowboys get a good look, there's going to be a stampede over to the restaurant.  There's been a drought in this here town and you are like the gentle rains of springtime." The last bit was said with a lot of insincere sighing and many longing glances.

Squig was getting more and more annoyed and felt like getting out his muck boots, since Harlan's bullshit was getting so deep.   Then he looked over at Trixie laughing and felt an overwhelming urge to choke him.

  "Well now," she smiled, "Aren't you just the flatterer, and giving him a sideways look asked, "And just who are you."

"Oh that's Deputy Katz," Annie replied helpfully.  "Only he wants to be called Cousin Harlan, whose removed."

"One of your waifs and strays? "Trixie whispered wrapping her paw around Squig.  "How do you manage to collect so many?"

"It's a genetic defect," he grumbled and I'm thinking of contacting NIH and seeing if they'd like to do study, in the hopes of finding a cure.  It's either that or form a twelve step program.  Or," he thought to himself cheerfully watching his friend exiting the train, "I could just put the whole mess in the very capable paws of Mr. Dweezil Felinerino."

"Welcome to the west, bro," he called out.  "I'd like you to meet my deputy, Harlan T. Katz."





"

In Which Introductions as Well as Decisions Are Made - Part 3

"Well, hi there little lady, welcome to the wild west." Harlan intoned in what Squig thought to himself had to be the worst John Wayne imitation he had ever heard.  Wayne's voice was low and masculine and Harlan's was hi and squeaky.  Somehow the two just didn't seem to mesh at all.

Annie seemed taken aback, too.  She looked up at him thoughtfully for a few seconds, and then extending her paw, said primly. "Hello, Deputy Katz, it's nice to meet you."

"Now, now, what's with all this formality?"  He said, thankfully in his own voice.  "You and me are going to be really good friends.  Now I know, even though you ain't related to the boss, you call him Uncle Squig.  So maybe," he stroked his chin while he thought, and then smiling, chirped, "I could be Cousin Harlan?"

Ignoring the two shocked faces in front of him, he continued, "But then since I didn't live with you back east, maybe I could be Cousin Harlan once removed."

"Finally noticing that this was not going over very well,"  He said, "OK, how about cousin Harlan, twice removed? Don't like that, there's always second cousin Harlan twice removed?"

Squig was at the point of telling him, if he didn't shut up, he was going to be cousin Harlan permanently removed, when an achingly familiar voice purred, "Hi there cowboy, come her often?"

In Which Decisions as Well as Introductions Are Made Part 2

Squig watched  as the train pull to a halt, the passenger car door opened and finally the conductor stepped out and lowered the stairs.  It only took a few minutes and then a small bundle of fluffy white fur, dressed in a red and white polka dot sundress exploded onto the platform.  With her  paws waiving, and her legs churning, she was a study in perpetual motion.

"Uncle Squig-a-wig, Uncle Squig-a-wig, I have missed you so much," she exclaimed as threw herself into his waiting arms. 

"I've missed you too Annie Banannie," he purred holding her close to his heart.  "Let me take a good look at you," he continued, holding her at arm's length. "I believe in the three months I've been here, you've grown. You sure you're my Annie Banannie and not some grown up who's hidden her somewhere?"

"It's me," she laughed hopping down. "Is it true that you're a real Sheriff?  Do you have a gun and a horse?  Have you gone after any bad guys and varmints?  Do you have a posse?  Do you live at the saloon?"  She asked excitedly all in one breath.

"If you have a horse, can I ride him.  Dad and Grandmom said that you're not going to be living with us anymore.  Can I live with you at the Saloon?  Are the dance hall girls nice?  Should Miss Trixie be jealous.  Can I learn to shoot a gun.  Will you teach me how to shoot a gun and ride a horse."

Squig laughed heartily, barely able to catch up with her nonstop chatter and nodding his head in the negative, said, "Sorry sweet pea the answer to all of your questions is no."

She stood back and cocking her head to one side like a small, serious fluffy white owl, said, "Well can I wear your hat?  Can I be a junior deputy and wear a star? When can I see your new house  Is there a room for me in it?"

"Yes, yes, soon and yes," Squig chuckled. He was about to tell her all about his new apartment and ask her about her trip west, when he was interrupted by someone standing behind him, loudly harrumphing and clearing his throat.

He swiveled around to find Harlan standing impatiently, with his right paw extended and a thoroughly fake smile pasted on his face.

"Oh yes," Squig remarked with a certain degree of nervous trepidation, "Annie I'd like you to meet my deputy, Harlan T. Katz.  Harlan this is my niece, the one and only Annie Felinerino." 

TO BE CONTINUED

In Which Decisions as Well as Introductions are Made

Squig stood on the platform looking down the tracks. The three o'clock train from Denver was due any minute.  For once,He had taken all kinds of pains with his appearance, his badge and his boots were shined to a high gloss. His shirt and jeans were clean and crisply ironed. But maybe more importantly, instead of his old familiar Oriole baseball cap, he now sported a genuine cowboy hat. Yes, he had tried hard and felt now, at least he looked the part of a real western Sheriff. Although Dweezil would probably have something to say about that.

As he waited for the train that would bring his family to Katz City he tried in vain to ignore Harlan who had insisted on coming along.  Harlan, too, had gussied himself up; but the effect of white boots, white, pants, white shirt and white cowboy  hat complete with white feather against his puce colored fur was a bit much.  Squig was trying to decide whether he looked like the weakest link on some kind of angelic chain, or like he was planning on applying for a job down at Lovely Larry's used car lot, when Harlan opened his mouth and started up again.

"So let me get this straight, boss." He chirped happily, counting off Squig's family members and their various relationships.  "Dweeze is your best friend and Yvette is his mother.  Now Annie is his adopted daughter and even though she's no relation to you, she calls you, Uncle.  Did I get that right?"

Squig nodded yes.

"And the other cat who's coming with the group is Pixie,"

"Her name is Trixie, not Pixie" Squig harrumphed.

"Oh yes, Trixie is that hot looking babe whose picture sits on your desk and who calls you everyday.  Boy am I looking forward to meeting her." He winked broadly and poked Squig in the ribs.  "Do you think she's bringing any sisters with her who might want to meet little old me." The last bit was said with eyes open wide and purr embedded in his voice.

"That way," he continued elbowing Squig in the ribs, again, you and me could go on double dates."

"No, " Squig sighed for the forty fifth time, "she is not bringing any sisters, cousins, friends or acquaintances.  She is coming by herself to help Dweezil set up his restaurant. 

"But she might know some girls, " Harlan insisted. 

"Harlan, " Squig said through gritted teeth, "You tell me how she's going to know anybody when she's never been here. "

"But she might meet some girls, make some friends, and then she could introduce me and we could go on double dates."

"Why, Harlan, I didn't know you were interested in the lovely Miss Tailer," Squig said in all innocence, with a smile. "Once Trixie's met her, maybe she could set you up. You two go way back, so it wouldn't be too hard."

"Very funny,  boss, you're just hilarious."  The rest of whatever else he had planned to say was cut off by the shrill whistle as the train pulled into the station. Finally, they were there.


TO BE CONTINUED
 

Closing Down the House - Part 3

"Now,  Lyla,  honey, I don't want you to worry about  having no place to go." Harlan said, rushing over to her side and taking her paw in his.  "I can go and bunk in with Larry and Uncle Dave and you can have my place. I only got one key and I'll give it to you, so you don't have to worry about me coming in to bother you."

"Ah Harlan, that is so sweet of you, " she responded looking up at him.

"Sweet, but not necessary," Diane stated emphatically, as she removed  Harlan's paw and pushed him away.  Then reaching into the pocket of her kimono, she brought out a folded up piece of paper, and unfolding it said, "Because what I have here is a lease, signed by Mr. Felinerino. And it says and I quote, 'Mr. Felinerino can, at any time, give any of the tenants of his building a 30 day notice to vacate. And at the end of that 30 day period, said tenant must have vacated the premises.'"  

Looking over at Squig and eyeing him up and down, she continued, "and I believe that you are Sheriff Igmeuwkowski, and not Mr. Felinerino. So until said Mr. Felinerino tells us we have to go, we stay.  And once he does, we have 30 days to find a new place."

"Can I have that lease," Squig asked, crossing the room then taking it out of her hands,  he looked it over.  That was 
Dweeze's handwriting on the signature and she had quoted the verbiage accurately. She was right.  They had 30 days from the day Dweezil told them to go.  The fact that at the time he signed it, Dweezil thought he was dealing with his wait staff and not hookers was irrelevant.  They could stay.

"You're right," he conceded, handing the lease back to Diane. "You don't have to leave until 30 days after Mr. Felinerino tells you to.  But I want you to remember there will be no, and I mean no fornication on this premises."  

"And I'm going to have my spy eye on you," Harlan huffed pointing to his eye.  I'm going to be sitting right outside this building watching who goes in and what's going on.  You ain't going to be able to sneeze, that I don't know about it."

He leaned forward for emphasis and pointing his finger at them, declared, " and if any of you think that you're going to be able to sneak back into your fornicating ways, like I'm not around, well there will be a price to pay.  I'm going to be all over you like white on rice. And you ain't going to have to worry about where you're next residence will be,  because the lot of you will be residing in the city jail."

"Harlan T. Katz," Diane said dryly to the girl standing next to her, "hashtag scary, peeping pervert." 

And with that the room erupted in laughter, as each girl envisioned what Harlan, with his spy eye on them would look like. In response Harlan puffed himself up again and Squig was so busy trying not to laugh, he almost missed the small white paw waving at him.

"Mr. Sheriff, sir, I have another question, Lyla asked, loudly, trying to be heard above the commotion.

"Yes, Lyla," Squig said fighting back the laughter that was threatening to get the better of him.

"What does fornimication mean?"

Squig stopped cold as his face turned a color of red, somewhere between a tomato and a beet.  How on earth was he going to answer this without sounding like a pompous ass or more likely a jerk. Then he remembered something Dweeze had once said,  and so he replied, "Well Lyla, fornication is another word for a very familiar four letter word, which starts with the letter f and rhymes with luck."

"Oh, " she responded as the meaning of the word became clear. "Oh my, that might be a problem."

"Diane Tailer, hashtag skankazoid," Harlan screamed jumping up and down.  "Diane Tailer, hashtag, evil skankadella." 

And with that, Squig clamped his paw over Harlan's mouth and strong armed him out the door, before this situation disintegrated further and he was forced to charge him with inciting a riot.